Whoever said penguins couldn’t count? I mean, opposable thumbs or even fingers aren’t needed to figure math. I’ve always had a brain for mathematics. I could figure a problem faster than most in my class, and even when I reached the upper levels like Algebra and Calculus, I still didn’t have much difficulty figuring out the problems. However, I did need a special calculator. Small buttons and flippers don’t exactly get along, you know.
Now that penguins have been integrated into society for the intelligent creatures we really are, I was able to gain a job as an accountant. Now that’s the life: surrounded by numbers all day long. Who could ask for anything more? Not me. Well, maybe a cute little penguin to start a family with, but that’s next on my list.
Most people that hear I’m an accountant automatically think I keep the books for FLIPPR. You see most people who know of the existence of the Front for the Liberation of the Internal Penguin Population Revolution, FLIPPR for short, automatically think all penguins have a membership or at least subscribe to their ideals. FLIPPR is really just a bunch of tough guys, err…penguins, that formed a mafia and came up with a long name just so the abbreviation could somewhat resemble the word flipper. Really, they are all just a bunch of bullies. In all my life, I have never seen such a strong stereotype put into place. The second any penguin is seen on the street, there is automatic fear or concern for personal safety.
I get this sort of treatment a lot, working in accounting as I do. Someone comes in to pay their bill, sees me, and automatically they are afraid I might do something to them, or that I am going to steal their money and use it to help fund some FLIPPR excursion or another. Sadly, they never take the time learn about the real me. I am actually really easy to talk to, and am willing to hold a conversation about anything with anyone. You know the small chit-chat that goes along with waiting for the computer to process a check and produce a receipt. Usually, my customers are lost in their own world of fear and the stereotypes of my species to hold any kind of a decent conversation. Not to mention, how many people would believe a penguin, of all beings, would know all the current information on sports? You know, the latest team trades, who the biggest players are, who has the best shot to go all the way.
I had to work hard to get to where I am today. I fought this stereotype that the other penguins created, to get an honest, legitimate job. I was top in all my classes, worked and studied hard, and I always double check my figures to make sure there are no mistakes. Luckily, I came across an employer who saw my track record with numbers, and understood that the quality of an employee’s work was far more meaningful than the stereotype associated with that employee. Stereotypes and prejudices are for close minded people who don’t value the diversity that is out there today anyway.
There once was one person who felt the need to inform my boss that he had a penguin—a PENGUIN!—working for him. She went on and on about how unfaithful we are, about how all we do is drink alcohol and steal peoples’ women right from under their noses. She explained about how she had a penguin steal her purse, smacking her on the ass as he ran off. This lady was convinced that I was a shady figure, stealing the company’s money to finance my outside endeavors she was dead-set I had going on in my off time.
I overheard all of this, and boy did it make me feel like crap! I mean, I try to make sure I present a professional look about myself and go about my job like anyone else in the office would. Normally I am overdressed due to the tuxedo that is just part of my body. I know it’s overboard, but I can’t help it. What I look like isn’t something I can change. I was born this way. I have never made fun of someone either in front of them or behind their back because of how they looked. That’s just plain rude any way you try to dress it up as acceptable.
The day after hearing the woman’s comments, I did not want to go into work. I lay in my bed, pondering the hurtful words she had spoken. Who wouldn’t be depressed when overhearing someone say such rude things about them based only on what they are and what they look like rather than their work quality? I finally did go into work, late. I went straight into my boss’s office to explain why I was late. He took the time to hear me out, and then mentioned that he told her yesterday, after she was done spewing her negativity, that if she had that big of a problem with one of his employees, he wouldn’t be able to do business with her anymore. Now, that is one understanding boss.
* * *
Now, for your six o’clock evening news report.
The “Equality Act” is in full effect. This Act that gained much publicity recently that allows our flightless flippered counterparts lawful equal rights. A penguin managed to work his way up to a managerial position. A lot of concern resonated at this news from the biped other populations as far as how this Act would affect them. High on the list are concerns such as employment ratios, safety, medical coverage, housing and food supplies.
A spokes-penguin tried to dissuade these fears by stating, “There will be no foreseeable changes to the majority of systems that are in place now. All we ask is a decent, fair chance at earning an income and providing for our families. Our desires are the same as any human may have.”
Numerous discussions have occurred, considering how the “Equality Act” opens up the chances of penguins holding service-based jobs, about penguins starting their own medical and insurance practices to help maintain both parties’ employment ratios. It will definitely be interesting to see how this situation pans out. Can humans and penguins really get along in a society together?
* * *
Wash the windows. Empty the garbage, sweep, mop, and vacuum. All while putting on a happy face and pretending I love my job. And don't even get me started on the toilets! You probably can't even imagine how difficult mopping without opposable thumbs can be. I'm always dropping the mop because it is forever slipping out of my flippers. How is a penguin supposed to work like this? On top of that, I have overheard those blasted humans talking about me and laughing at me when they think I'm not around. I am convinced they make bigger messes and have more lights burn out when they know I'm working. As if I didn't have a hard enough time with it all without all the extra hardships. Plus, I'm dressed way too well for this job!
Don’t get me wrong, I tried for something better than this. For the longest time, I dreamed of being a fighter pilot. I spent my childhood acting out dogfights, pretending to fly around in an imaginary plane. Penguins are birds. We have wings. Why is it so wrong that one would have dreams of flying like all the other birds, or better? If you can’t adapt, improvise, right? Well, anyway, I went to take the flight test, finally after years of study and dreaming and doing all I could to get into the flight program, and what did I find? That’s right, controls that were made for humans, and no alterations for penguins.
That was okay, just a minor setback that could be fixed in time, but when I first walked into that classroom on the very first day, the looks I got were nearly unbearable! They made me feel like such an outsider I didn’t think any of those people had heard about the Equality Act, even as well publicized as it was. Either that or they just didn’t care about it. I was always an outsider, so I decided to choose my seat wisely and ignore the looks until I could prove myself smart enough to be in that program. Unfortunately, the teacher and department head weren’t any better. I mean, my name is generic enough that it could word for either human or penguin. Once they discovered I was the later rather than the former as they had previously thought, I was in for it! They never gave me a chance and threw every hardship they could get away with my way. The discrimination was almost palpable there was so much, not to mention the hostility. I guess “fighter pilot penguin” had the type of ring to it that one of those FLIPPR guys would have. I had no ill intentions towards humans in any form. All I wanted to do was fly as any winged bird should.
Maybe those FLIPPR guys are right. Penguins aren't treated right regardless of the "Equality Act" that was passed. Yeah, we can hold all the same jobs. Yeah, we can be on the same teams, and do everything they can. And yeah, I guess it's better now than it was before the Act. Then, we were on the streets, barely able to make it, not knowing where we were going to sleep one night to the next, not knowing what our next meal would be, let alone when. Oh, and don't get me started on the nights! Extremely cold and damp, noise so loud that you would think it was daytime there was so much going on! If your spot was discovered by any humans, they would not only make you stay there, but they would call Animal Control! Can you believe it?! I doubt it could get any more degrading than that. Especially since all we were trying to do was eke out a living much the same as any of them. It was like all we were to them was a bunch of cute, cuddly little animals with no brains or heart or aspirations for ourselves or our society.
Well, we'll show them! We'll prove to them that we are more intelligent than they think and that we will fight for the respect we deserve!
* * *
We interrupt this program for an urgent news brief.
Recent suspicions hold that chimpanzees have joined the Penguin Revolution. Chimps, in their cunning ability to woo humans with tricks then steal objects from them have stockpiled weapons for years. A stash of these weapons was uncovered in Sweden.
A spokes-penguin for the Front for Liberation of the Internal Penguin Population Revolution, more commonly known as FLIPPR, stated, "Penguins have no need to revolt against humans, and especially have no need of any aid by the genetic relatives of humans. All FLIPPR wants is to promote equality for those of us that are vertically challenged and are forced to be clothed in formal attire."
In response to this claim, a Swedish chimpanzee retorted, "OO OO, EE EE." Experts translated this to mean, "We were paid a profit to help the penguins in their revolution against the humans. We have no ill feelings or loyalties to either. The penguins merely offered more shiny objects as payment. We are now fully aware of and apologize for the confusion that ensued due to our choice in whom to aid."
Concern resounds with this situation as the penguins have been known to deploy "cute and cuddly" operations world-wide. We do not know at this time which side of the story to believe so we are asking people to be cautious and avoid all things cute and/or cuddly, just to be safe. It would also be wise to store food, and keep small children indoors. We ask that those with the knowledge of any FLIPPR safe-houses contact the local authorities with the information immediately.
We will now return to our regularly scheduled programming.
* * *
Why do people give us the stereotype of being mercenaries? I mean, yeah, some of us are the out-there, in-your-face military type, but honestly, not all of us are. Some just want to live a peaceful life, not be involved in taking over the world, or exacting revenge for mistreatments on anyone. Some of us have other talents, thank you very much.
I, for one, can tap dance. No, not in order to distract people while my compatriots take their money, or inflict some kind of hypnosis on them. No, sir! I am a legitimate tap dancing penguin. The nice thing is I don't have to worry about dressing up, or dry cleaning a tux. Mine is fully attached to me, causing my clothing bill to be very minimal. Of course, I have to buy tap shoes. You know, when those have to be custom made, they can be expensive! I mean, tap shoes aren't exactly cheap to begin with, but regular ones just don't fit flippers. But, that doesn't mean I go around getting the money for them illegally.
I started out young, tapping in just my flippers on the street corner with my hat on the ground looking for handouts. Those don't come easy, people! Especially when you are a penguin and people think you are going to hurt them somehow, or turn them into zombies or what have you. Anyway, I was standing on street corners tapping away even in the rain! I was cold, hungry, sleeping in a cardboard box. More than once a passing truck or bus sprayed water over me from a puddle in the street. Did they stop to help me out? Of course not, but I was merely a penguin and the Equality Act was still being debated. People looked at me warily thinking I was going to steal something, but no, I never stooped to that level. I merely window shopped until I could afford to buy whatever I needed. I hung out around the burning barrels at night hoping for a little bit of hobo stew. Man, did that stuff wreak havoc on my body! Hardly any of the time was there any fish in those stews, but it was something to ease the pain in my stomach. Slowly, more and more people saw what I was doing, and saw my talent. Very slowly I rose to tap on Broadway. So slowly, in fact, that it seemed at times as if I were moving backwards, but I still made it!
That's like one of my good friends from South America. She, like me, is on the small side, but you know, that doesn't get her down. I mean, it's better than being an Emperor penguin. Those guys have some issues. They think that they already rule the world just because the word Emperor is in their name. Talk about a complex!
Anyway, back to my friend. She writes. Mostly news articles, giving the people a first-hand view of what is happening on the penguin front so they can be informed. She's the one that first got people to see through that "cute and cuddly" front. Now, that took courage. She had all the other penguins up in arms against her, had hits out on her from the penguin mafia, death threats, and attempts on her life. She had to go into hiding for a while there and only came out after making a deal with the Penguin Mafia Overlord saying that she wouldn't infiltrate their ranks and report their tactics to the common man again, that if the people wanted to resist the Front for Liberation of the Internal Penguin Population Revolution, that they would have to figure it out on their own.
Now, FLIPPR, as they are more commonly known, in my opinion is a load of crock. What do we need liberated from? And who exactly is the Internal Penguin Population? Half of their title I am convinced is there for the sole purpose of having an acronym that sounds like flipper. How cruel to our kind on their part? I mean, it's not like we have those awesome thumbs or anything, or even fingers for that matter! Do you know how hard it is to grab a cup of hot chocolate with a flipper!
Wait. Wait... Oh no! I hear them coming! First they silence my friend for her comments, and now they are coming after me! I can hear them on the steps. If anyone reads this, please....PLEASE remember that not all the penguins are ba. . .
* * *
This just in!
Penguin chicks have been found naked all over the Atlantic. The cause of this atrocity is as of yet unknown. However, experts have taken to calling it “feather-loss disorder.” We all know that humans are not always adept at aiding penguins in their problems or, as we can plainly see, naming them decently. Penguin scientists have monitored the situation and came to the conclusion that there is some sort of poisoning going on. They have yet to conclude the cause of this poisoning, but want to assure the public that they are working hard to devise a solution to this situation as quickly as they can.
More to come as this story unfolds.
* * *
Really? That’s the best name they could come up with? Our chicks are losing their feathers, probably due to some chemical created by either the humans or FLIPPR in an attempt to breed hatred against our pale, fleshy counterparts. And they called it something as absurd as “feather-loss disorder”? We are all brothers here. The real enemy is FLIPPR and their cause to bring down the humans giving the rest of us penguins a bad reputation while they are at it.
But what have the humans done to us? They passed the “Equality Act” that allowed for penguins to function in society as the intelligent individuals we are. They cut back on their fish consumption for no reason other than to give us the food supply we need. And the list doesn’t end there. So many things have humans done to help us out, and yet, FLIPPR insists on running our names down. They insist on the need of a mafia to revolt against the humans for more rights. They don’t understand that change never happens overnight, and with them wreaking havoc the way they do, it’s no wonder humans maintain their distrust and prejudices against us.
I mean, I could never have become the news reporter I am today without that Act the humans passed. That’s right. I write stories and then share them with the public. And here all along, you thought “Penelope Penguin” was just a pen-name for some Homo Sapien with a cruel sense of humor. No one would believe that a penguin could report anything of worth. Maybe a few articles on fish migration patterns, or maybe one or two on Global Warming and how that affects the ice in Antarctica.
I think I impressed them all. When I was just starting out, I was just a measly little rock-hopper penguin. I was shy, naive, and barely had enough money to survive. The Equality Act came along, and the few friends I had encouraged me to start writing news articles. I always had a way with words, but technology and my lack of self confidence were against me. I needed a special program that would type spoken words just to be able to get an article out there. Luckily, I found one that didn’t cost too much. After that, the writing itself was easy and all I had to do was find stories that the public would be interested in. I started out looking for stories that would appeal to just penguins, but quickly realized that the human population might be interested in some of the stuff I was discovering, for example, the story of the Front of the Liberation of the Internal Penguin Population Revolution. I mean, how would their cause not matter to penguins and humans alike?
However, that story was sadly before it’s time. I made that report when they weren’t much more than just a bunch of silly rebelliously hearted chicks running around talking about ‘change’ and ‘inequality,’ ‘fighting against the oppressive government’ and other topics very similar to those seen in human’s history as well. I mean, what were the topics in the era of The Beatniks? Change. Inequality. Fighting against the oppressive government. The cause was the same, but somewhere along the lines, it spiraled out of control.
Slowly, the threats became more and more serious. Larger and larger on the scale until it would be a mistake to take their threats with a scoff, mild disdain, an upturned nose and a flick of the wrist brushing it aside. It went from mild mistreatment, to stealing people’s alcohol and women. After that, there were a few bomb threat rumors, but nothing really materialized from them. They were enough to gain the general public’s attention.
Where will it go from there? Well, my friends, there is no real way to tell for sure.
* * *
Breaking News Flash!
Hard working penguins have come up missing. There seems to be a connection between those profiled and gave their opinions on daily life for regular penguins in a recent set of blogs discovered and read by the masses. These blogs have increased in publicity as the attacks on humans, taken for granted before, have increased in number and severity.
Not many Homo Sapiens have noticed said losses due to the inadvertent segregation that has occurred after the passing of the Equality Act. Some Penguins see this Act as a smoke and mirrors effect in order for Humans to feel as though they are doing the right thing without actually having to do anything.
However, the penguin workforce has suffered serious losses in fields such as accounting, news reporting, the Arts, as well as others. If you are a penguin, or concerned about our flightless friends, please pass the word along. One loss is one too many.
Now back to the regular programming.
* * *
Nowadays, it is getting really difficult to be a door-to-door salesman. I mean, sure, I bet the vacuum cleaner sales-penguins have no trouble, but those of us selling state-of-the-art knife sets? Man, the looks people give you are incredible! I don’t think it could be worse if I were to actually have a stamp on my forehead that read “Official Member of FLIPPR.” Not that I am. Not by a long shot. I’m just trying to support my family, and make sure all the bills are paid. With four chicks at home, one of which has come down with that blasted “feather-loss disorder”. It’s not a very pretty sight to see one of your own young chicks waking up with the bed covered in his own feathers. I mean, really. It’s gruesome and sad, indeed it is.
But, alas, I must make a living, so here I am selling knives. These are really good knives, and for a great price; a steal really! They slice, dice, cut, chop, and fillet. A set of twenty knives, all for the price of two-hundred dollars. Sorry, I got off-track. I must sell enough sets of knives for my measly twenty percent to come close to paying at least the doctor bills for my poor little one.
I start out in the morning and work my way through neighborhood after neighborhood, one door at a time. Some are politely nervous. They want to slam the door in my face out of sheer terror, yet they don’t. They still have enough decency to hear me out before politely turning me down.
Now, there are those that are so fearful, that they buy the knives from me just to keep from getting attacked by FLIPPR hit-men. Oh yeah, they do really exist. It has all gotten that far out of hand. I’m amazed that the “Equality Act” hasn’t been repealed with all the attacks, kidnappings, and even the rare murders that have been going on. As hard as it is to believe, I don’t think any decent, well-mannered penguin ever wanted things to go this far. All we wanted was a chance to truly be part of society. I feel the whole penguin culture has something of value it can add to society as a whole. I mean, who could teach swimming lessons better! We are bullets underwater! Off track again, my apologies.
There are those out there that, in the event they do open the door, it is with the barrel of a gun pointed at me and they are calmly, yet very firmly asking me to get off their property because they want no part in anything FLIPPR has to offer. It’s incredibly hard to argue a differing point with that which is made with a gun.
Alas, I must do my duty, and do what I can in order to make a decent living legitimately as a hard working citizen of this fine country.
* * *
You. Yes, you who have been reading all of this. We have you now, and you can’t get away from us. These stories appear to be simply informing you of our cause, correct? These weakling penguins who are willing to let the human population control and rule over them as oppressively as they do, looking down on us for more than just the fact that we are vertically challenged. You humans think you know everything. You think you know what we want, what is best for us. Well, I am here to tell you that you are wrong. There is a reason FLIPPR exists and it is not just to run around spouting poetry and holding protests like your measly Beatniks you insist on comparing us to. Oh, no. We will bring about real change. We will make you see our worth, and how we deserve, nay, require the same rights you have, if not more.
We are done being held down, pinned beneath your wayward laws and legislations. We will get the revenge for being downtrodden we rightly deserve. Oh yes, and we will do this in our own way. We will slowly take down each and every one of you. You see, if you are reading this, it is already too late. How so, you ask?
Simple. How did you receive this interesting little set of letters? What was that? By mail you say? And what is it that someone needs in order to send you mail? Gasp! An address! That’s right, and once someone has your address, how easily can you be found? Ahh, yes. Now you understand.
You see, this collection was sent to those we suspected knew too much
already about our cause. Those of you who knew more than you should, those of you who have gotten a glimpse of what FLIPPR is all about, our real cause. Not the one thrown around in polite company about trying to steal all your alcohol and women. Nay, the real cause is that of world domination through fear and denial of all things you hold dear.
Wait. Stop laughing at our cause. Did I not just get done telling you that you know too much and we know where you live? You will fear us! Just wait. You’ll see that our threat to stalk your house and destroy all that is precious to you, to gain the upper hand against you and your kind will come to be reality. We already have the assistance of your genetic brothers, the chimpanzees. Oh, that news article was feigned in order to throw you off our trail. We knew you discovered their stockpile. We knew you were onto us. So we let that article leak to the public as a way of dispersing interest in our cause. The chimpanzees have been in on it all along!
You will falter and fall. The Front for the Liberation of the Internal Penguin Population Revolution will bring you down to the level you deserve to be at. We know where you live. We can and will find you.
You know too much.
