Venting

I suddenly get overwhelmed by emotion and can't place why or anything. I was so dependent on him because he led me to believe that I wasn't strong enough to be without him and...now...now, I am too dependent to know how to be independent, but I don't have anyone to be dependent on. Turning to friends has made me feel like I am dragging them down, even if they proclaim I am not and they are here for me.

I am afraid to love again for the fear that I will become dependent on someone rather than on myself
so I get caught up in these people who just want sex thinking that will help, but its not the sex I miss from being in a relationship. Then, I tell myself that it's not a real relationship, but i still fall. It's the having someone there I miss. Someone to give me a big hug and tell me that it will all be okay and help me plan out what needs to get done
just....AAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Yet...here I sit in a hotel room, homeless, jobless, fucked up, but I'm the lucky one because I got the kids. He's got a fucking house, VA benefits, all kinds of shit, but I am the lucky one. I don't think of it as luck. I think of it as he hurt them and me, he doesn't deserve them. He should be in jail, but they are dragging ass on that as well.
GRRR

All I am asking for in this is a friend willing to be here for me at 2 am if I need it, that doesn't live over 1000 miles away or isn't deployed. I have a ton of friends that will do that for me...but none here, where I need them. None that can come over and just give me a hug, a literal shoulder to cry on.

There are so many people who say I need to keep my head up, stay strong for the kids, don't cry in front of them, let them see that you are strong and it isn't anything to get worried over
well I'm sorry if i can't do that and keep it up 24/7. I'm not perfect, I'm human. I lose control. I can't be emotionless all the fucking time. No one can. I can hide it the best I can, but I'm not very good at that. People tend to be able to see right through me.

You don't know how bad I really am fucked up right now. I am capable of hiding a lot of it, so people think I am holding it together when really its hollow inside the walls I show everyone. I know that doesn't exactly help me get through it, but it appeases those that always spout my needing to keep my chin up, press forward and never give an inch.

People know me as the one they can talk to. The one that will sympathize or empathize with them depending on the situation. The one they can vent to that will be their shoulder to cry on, their source of strength. I am so tapped out that I find myself getting strength from the wrong places, those deep dark places that will only hurt you in the end rather than give you the strength they pretend to. Right now it is so hard for me because people come to me needing help when I don't have anything to give. I don't want to let people down because that's not me. I want to be there for them, its in my blood, in my nature, who I am. At the same time, it would be nice to get that same devotion in return. But then again, i guess I have to be receptive of it. I have serious issues asking for help. Just who I am. I am shy, but I am always willing to help out a friend. I'll offer help all day long, but its hard for me to ask for it. Anyway... Now that I got that off my chest, now I get to decide who I want to actually be able to read this...